About Me

PERSONALITY
My thirst for knowledge
I do have a natural thirst for knowledge. After I got sick and my illness surfaced, this thirst for knowledge has only grown exponentially.

I am imaginative yet decisive, ambitious yet private, amazingly curious and still I do not squander my energy wich makes me kind of lazy from my perspective, but still I am not.

Strategic mind
I love how my mind works and I will take every opportunity to improve my knowledge, and this shows in the strength and flexibility of my strategic thinking. I'm always up for an intellectual challenge. I use my mind for planning contingencies and courses of action for all possible scenarios. And I do this all even without trying, it comes naturally.

Self-confidence
I trust my rationalism above all else, so when I come to a conclusion, I have no reason to doubt my findings. This creates an honest, direct style of communication that isn’t held back by perceived social roles or expectations. I know what I know, and I know what I don't know, this makes me very self-confident.

People say that I radiate self-confidence and an aura of mystery. It's like I fly trough everything and it seems that nothing can hurt me and it is impossible to get hold on me. Fact is that things do hurt and I feel very deeply, that is actually burden most times.

Independence
Authority figures do not impress me, nor do social conventions or tradition, and no matter how popular something is, if I have a better idea, I will stand against anyone I have to in a bid to have it changed. I stand on my own and take responsibility for my own actions.

Determination
If something piques my interest, I will be astonishingly dedicated to putting in long hours and intense effort to see an idea through. I am incredibly efficient, and if tasks meet the criteria of furthering a goal, I will find a way to consolidate and accomplish those tasks.

Am I open-minded
I like to think that I am very open minded, but sometimes, rarely but still there is situations where I notice that I have had a very narrow mind about something. But in any case I am constantly trying to develop myself and I am always open to new ideas,  especially if they are supported by logic.


JOAT
In some circles I have a nickname 'JOAT' - Jack-Of-All-Trades. Because of my open-mindedness, determination, independence, confidence and strategic abilities I am person who is capable of doing anything I set my mind on. I will analyze anything life throws in my way.


FATERHOOD
I have a son who was born in 2010. Even if I say it, I'm a amazing father, loving and caring, and I love my son more than life itself.

Life is often the best teacher, I wan't my child to have his own adventures and make his own decisions, this will develope his critical thinking skills. I expect my son to use his freedom responsibly.

When ever my son needs me I will communicate openly and honestly with him. I believe that knowing the truth is better than not knowing, or worse yet, simply being wrong.

My ultimate goal as a parent is to ensure that my son is prepared to deal with whatever life throws in his way.

It's important to me that my son will be capable adult who can go on to use his own mind, solve his own problems, and help his own children in the same way when the time comes. I understand that this can't happen if I shield my son but I'm giving my son the right tools that he can do it by himself.


FRIENDS, LONELINESS
I know a lot of people and more people know me. But honestly I can say that I have no friends. So why is this then: The fact is that in friendship as in romantic relationship, I am looking for more of an intellectual soul mate than anything else, and those that aren’t prepared for that kind of relationship are simply "boring".

Yes I get bored really fast with most of the people. I have a need to share ideas, but gossip about anyone is something I don't do. I have to say that my sarcasm and dark humor are not for the faint of heart, nor for those who struggle to read between the lines. But if you can keep up, I promise that you will hear amazing stories, and maybe start to see world with extra set of eyes in totally different perspective you are used to.

I know that I am notoriously difficult to read and get to know. But if you will and become my friend, it's amazing journey forming a powerful and stimulating friendship that will stand the test of time.


ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

My values in any relationship that I hold the most

Love...
...is something that cannot be measured and it's a weird thing, it makes you do things that don't make sense. Sometimes I think that it would be nice not to feel love, but that's not true at all. Without love you will miss so much feelings from that love to hate and everything between that are absolutely feelings that we need to be better people.

I have so much love inside me, but it's stuck, it needs to be freed and I need someone to help me get it out and show that amazing things can happen more than ones.

Just have to remember that love is a force above anything else.

Intimacy
For me intimacy is very important in relationship. But it dosen't mean that you have to be each others shadows all the time, you have to give space to eachother to be who you are.

When we think of intimacy, we often think of sex. But emotional intimacy is just as important, even more so. If partner is emotionally distant, it leads to frustration, and nothing good will not come out of it. But when it's possible to open up those deepest thoughts and emotions, you will constantly learn new about yourself and your partner, and this will make relationship much stronger.

Most importantly you’ve got to be willing to let your partner be exactly who they are. In relationship it requires you to be you and it requires you to allow your partner to be them, There are no exceptions to this.

Equality
Equality means that everyone has freedom to be who they are, while growing together.

The relationship must be equal, but this does not mean that everyone should get all the same things, cause we all have out own needs. But In my opinion, and in my experience, in an equal relationship one person cannot be the holding force who keeps everything together and without that person there is no relationships.

All and all we all deserve to be in a healthy relationship that lets us be free to be what we are.

Communication
It is important that each one feels the freedom to communicate regularly about the balance of the relationship. In an equal relationship, when conflict does arise each partner should feel the freedom to express themselves without feeling dominated by the other. The goal is never to win an argument, in fact it is a good thing to disagree on some things, it develops us as human beings and we learn a lot about ourselves and our partner. But in the end its good to gain mutual understanding

Commitment
From my point of view these are the signs that you are in commitmented relationship.

1. Spending a lot of time together, not all the time cause we all need our own time but anyways alot, and not because it's something you have to do, it's because you want to.

2. Making plans together and planning for the future.

3. Key to heart and home. When you have a key to your partners home and your partner has key to yours, this iconic rite means that you're in a committed relationship.

4. Going to vacations together. People who take vacations together enjoy each other’s company. Vacations together means that you are happy with that person and you want to make memories with them.

5. Making decisions based on the partners situation. Fact is that you cannot be selfish in a relationship. There is always a balance between what you want and what you need and also those of your partners.


I will be adding topics: Honesty (jealousy), Integrity later. I will make post when these are done so remember to subscribe this blog.


RELIGIOUS VIEWS
I think this is something that I should cover, cause someone will ask anyways. I don't have any religious views, and I don't even consider myself to be atheist, in my understanding I then would deny any deities when the case is that I can't deny anything that doesn't exist in my Universe. People can believe what they want, everyone has the right to live this life like they want to live it, and let others live their life as they want.


BIPO2: MY DARK PASSENGER
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II.

This is a constant struggle of my body and my mind between me and my dark passenger. I do not try and will not hide this fact cause it only gives more power to my illness and nothing good comes from that. When I am in control everything goes well, but anything, I mean anything can trigger my dark passenger to wake up and it will take control. Then starts the struggle between me and my dark passenger where my only option is to defeat it and get back in control of my mind and body. Killing dark passenger seems to be impossible, I have tried it, and it only made it stronger.

My illness is kind of parasitic entity inside me that needs me to survive and strange thing is that it I need it - that is how I feel, I feel it is there to protect me. Killing my dark passenger would only make me weaker and the dilemma is how do I find the balance, how do I please my dark passenger in a way that it’s “happy” and won’t take control of me. I have to accept that this illness is part of me and will be there always.

What happens when my dark passenger takes control?
Everything just stops, I do not have strength to do as much or anything at all.

I lose my hope to live, don’t get me wrong I have never considered suicide, that is not in me, I understand that this life is only one we get and I do want to live it, but there is still the feeling of giving up and in my case I just want to be by myself and forget everything around me, but I do want to live even in that “misery”.

I feel lack of energy, I have the physical strength to do things but when the mind is the one that controls the body and when it decides that it is enough now, body will shot down. This is very frustrating, I know I want to do things, but my body just won’t go there. This is the struggle.

I have problems with memory, my decision-making will get much harder cause my mind just wonder around I get “millions” of ideas at one second, that burdens my mind, it’s hard just keep one thought at the time. Concentration is nonexistent.

I having a significant change in appetite, I just stop eating or I will have urge to eat something that is not good for my body. I don’t do drugs and I've have never used any alcohol or smoked cigarettes, I just make bad decision with foods at that moment.

Support from other people is very important, I have great motivation to do things but still I have to struggle daily. So #motivation is not a joke or cliché when dealing with illness that attacks like this one does. I am person who likes to think that I can do this and that on my own, fact is that support from others is the most important thing that you can get in situation like this. I'm really grateful for the support. It is so, so important.

History of my illness
I was diagnosed with depression in early August 2015. At that moment I was an employee in a company and was forced to take on a sick leave. On December 2015 I went back to work, but I only did four hours a day for five days a week. This month was kind of an experiment to see if I can go back to work in January 2016 for full time. On January 2016 I managed to do five eight hour days in a row and then I collapsed. From Jan/8/2016 I have been on a sick leave and it continues at least till Septemper 2017. In July 2016 I got fired from my work, due to economic reasons, nothing to do with my sickness. The unit where I worked lost the contract competition to an another company.

Even if my first diagnosis came in August 2015, my life have been amazingly hard for about three years before that. We still don't when my illness started, estimate is that in sometime between 2008 and 2012. I was just so focused to my work and projects that I managed to keep depression "away", but it was beneath just waiting to surface, it was only matter of time. From January to August 2015 I was frustrated with my work and balancing it with my personal life and all that just triggered the illness to surface.

From August 2015 to end of January 2016 I was treated by private health care doctors and psychiatrists. February 2016 I started with public health care doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and other professionals. First three months were evaluation period where my diagnose was re-evaluated, so I could get best possible help. The diagnose was severe depression without psychotic symptoms. After this evaluating period I have seen my personal doctor and personal nurse weekly which are provided by public healthcare. In October 2016 I was diagnosed with type II bipolar disorder.

Medication
From August 2015 I have been eating different kind of drugs for my illness, wich all have failed to work. October 2016 my medication was changed to drug called Deprakine and my dose is now 1800mg a day in addition to I have drug called Olanzapin 7,5 mg a day.

Stigma
By getting the right kind of help from health care proessionals, and support from my family and from social media, I am now at the position where I can live a fairly "normal" life. Don’t get me wrong, there are still ups and downs, and there is times I feel alone and isolated, and still goal-oriented tasks are very hard for me, It's a daily struggle still. I truly think that there is a hope and chance for everyone. Diagnose can feel like a stigma or label but it is a step forward to living a full and positive life.

My message is that it dosen't matter under what label or stigma you are in, together we can discover new and go beyond.